"Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again, rejoice!" Philippians 4:4
I'll just start out this post with our announcement. We are expecting a sweet blessing sometime in May of next year.
I know. It's no frills. We've known for a few weeks now and have gradually told those who we first felt needed to know to support us should this pregnancy not turn out ideal and then on to those we wanted to share in our joy. My main reason for waiting to make a big blog/internet announcement is I just don't want to hurt others. I know others hurt last time with us and for us but I hate to see that in others.
So, here we are. I'd be crazy to say that I have not struggled with anxiety, worry, fear. Or even that I don't struggle with it now. Our first doctor's appointment was nothing short of sheer fear. I prayed, I quoted Scripture and I prayed more. But, in truth, I almost let fear overtake me and indeed, I did sitting in the doctor's office after the ultrasound as we discussed my ever present hematoma. Yes, we saw the heartbeat strong for having just started a few days before. Yes, there are no indications that this pregnancy is heading where the last was. I had no reason to shake and tremble as I climbed on the bed for the ultrasound. No reason to break down in tears in the office afterwards. I choose to be fearful.
On the way home, still worried, and anxious to know the future and if this little guy (or girl) is going to stick around with us, I prayed and talked and sang to God. I worshipped Him for who He was and I felt him stirring in my heart a reminder.
I felt the question rise up, "Do you really believe children are a blessing?" Well, duh, of course, I have seven and want more. Of course they are a blessing. We trust God with the timing of when we have kids. Duh.
But did I?
At that moment, driving home (it's a good 30 minute drive), I realized that sitting at the doctor's office, the few weeks leading up to the appointment and even then at that moment, I did not act as though I believed children were a blessing.
A blessing. A gift. It's meant to be cherished and rejoiced over. If someone were to give me one million dollars with no strings attached, how much would I enjoy or rejoice over that gift if I hid it? Buried it so I couldn't see or use? I couldn't I wouldn't. And in our case, worrying and fretting over whether we will hold this baby or he or she will dance with our Heavenly Father in heaven first. What good was it doing? Absolutely none. How can I glorify God if I'm hiding in my self-pity or worry? I can't.
I made a choice on that nice drive home to trust the Lord and not only that but to celebrate and rejoice over this blessing, for however long we have it.
We told the kids the same thing as they got excited. It's early, yes. But we are going to choose to celebrate this gift and cherish each run to the potty, snoozing mommy during lessons, every bit. It's a blessing. Not a curse.
Yes, I know we are not out of the first trimester and anything can happen even with a beautiful 6 week and 9 week ultrasound. But, seriously, anything could happen at any stage of pregnancy (I've seen that in friends all too often). Besides that, anything could happen in childhood, adulthood. When is the appropriate time to tell others about your blessing? For us, it's when we know that the Lord will use it for His glory and not for our own selfish gain.
So rejoice with us as we rejoice please! As we always say around here, "We can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us and this new little one growing."