Sadness

I've struggled with this post for several days.  I'll probably write it and rewrite it but I've been laying awake in the early morning trying to figure out how to say what I have to say and so, I thought it would be best to just say it.

We found out June 7th that our newest Character to the bunch no longer has a heartbeat.

I know several women friends want to know the details.  I also know some of you may not want to know.  At this point, you may choose to read on or you can just leave.  Either way, please pray for us as we deal with this loss.

This came as a bit of a shock as I was still having morning sickness.  My belly was still growing.  I was still fatigued and extremely hungry.  There were no indications that anything was wrong with the baby at all.

So, for two weeks, I had old blood spotting and even passed some clots.  I wasn't worried at all because I knew there was the hematoma.  I knew I was still having pregnancy symptoms and all that I passed was old. It also wasn't much at all.  Maybe a tad bit a day.  And then it all stopped Monday.  The spotting that is.  The morning sickness and other first trimester symptoms were in full force.  I even got violently sick on Tuesday evening (around food all day...that was not fun).  To us, all these were good indications that the baby was doing great.  I silently prayed that the spotting was just from the hematoma (and I still think it was).

I never contacted my doctor because I didn't think there was a reason to worry since it never changed to new blood.  Really, there was nothing that he could have done so that part doesn't even matter.

We had a regular appointment scheduled for Friday so in we went.  Mark met me there from work.  I had dropped the kids off to play with their friends.  We were just going about our normal day.   When I mentioned the spotting to Nurse D she was worried I would need a rhogam shot.  I told her it wasn't much and all the above information.  She tried to hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler.  We both thought we heard it at one point.  Dr. J came in and after he found out I had spotting and that we couldn't hear the heartbeat, he wanted to do an ultrasound for our peace of mind and to check on the clot.

Mark and I still joked about whether the baby was a boy or girl while we waited patiently.

The regular sonographer was not there but J. was.  She had been our sonographer through several pregnancies including our first miscarriage.  When I got up on the table I almost got sick with morning sickness.

But then we saw our precious baby.  Formed just like every nine week old in utero.  Except I was ten weeks.  And we couldn't see a heartbeat.  And he wasn't moving.  Before the sonographer said anything, we knew. She was patient and kind and I knew she was praying for us.

What we do from here on out is our decision.  A decision we will make with much prayer.  Tears.  Research.  I don't have to go back to see Dr. J for four more weeks, so truly, this is our decision what happens and when.

The hardest part is my body still thinks I'm pregnant.  Last Saturday morning saw the morning sickness start to dwindle.  Over the past week, it has gone away more.  My belly is still pregnant size although that is starting to slowly go away.  I'm spotting on and off but nothing to indicate the end is near.

Zoe and Ace were the only ones who seemed to truly understand what is going on.  Their hearts were broken.  I don't think they understand that the baby is still inside of me.  And the rest of the kids just really haven't got a clue what it means.  None of them have mentioned the baby.  I'm guessing there must be some level of understanding in each of them.

Yes, this is hard.  We long for our third Christmas baby.  To see those tiny hands and late nights and early morning snuggles.  Each day it is easier and by God's amazing grace, His peace is pouring out on us.  I get a knot in my stomach every time I think about Christmas and not having a new baby in our arms.  But I also get great peace in reading God's Word.  His promises untie that knot.  I know He has blessed me with seven amazing and beautiful children here and I cherish each hug and kiss even more now.

UPDATE:  I wrote this shorty after we found out about the baby.  Since then Mark and I have prayed and talked.  We both felt led to allow my body to do what it needed to to recognize that the pregnancy was no longer a pregnancy and then we agreed to have a procedure done.  Our decision was based on several factors (none of which were pressure from any one  In fact, I have had more pressure to carry on like normal and allow my body to miscarry normally).  With all that said, we are going in tomorrow and will have the procedure done.  My body is already working through the miscarriage and I regret not getting pain meds filled at this moment.  We continue to covet your prayers and are continually leaning on God through this.

The verses I have been clinging to are these:
Proverbs 16:1 "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.
Psalm 59:17 "O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God , are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."